Silence and Grief and Permission

Sometimes, silence is okay. I thought about that this weekend, when I considered not posting anything on the blog this week due to the Sandy Hook shootings on Friday. I thought maybe this would be a good week to go dark, let the silence speak for itself, and take time to grieve, absorb, contemplate, and love. Let’s be honest; a lot of things fucking hurt right now, and I don’t know what to say about that.

But silence didn’t quite feel right to me this time, which surprised me, because when public tragedy happens, I have always tended to go quiet, at least online. I generally step off Twitter and Facebook for several days. For one thing, I never know the right thing to say. I’m a personal griever rather than a public one, meaning that even when the worst things happen directly to me I tend to hold it all within myself rather than expressing or sharing it – much more so for things that are happening to someone else, outside the circle of my daily life. Part of me thinks, Who am I to comment on their loss?

Plus, sometimes tweets, Facebook statuses, etc., make me angry. People who continue to be flippant and self-promote do sometimes get under my skin, but even more so, I get tired of others berating these people for “being disrespectful.”

Some people think that when something bad happens, the entire world should stop and mourn. I understand this impulse (it makes me think of “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden), but that doesn’t mean I think we should all demand everyone feel this way. All emotions are variable, and so are the ways of handling them. Grief is no different. Just because someone doesn’t want to grieve publicly online doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting. And just because someone does want to doesn’t mean it’s fake.

Why does it feel like a contest? Why does it have to descend into accusations and declarations and anger? Each other is not who we’re angry at, deep down. I think we are all mature enough to admit that.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself during a time like this is permission. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to face it, avoid it, focus on it, or whatever you need. You’re allowed to feel anything that you feel – yes, even the good.

I can tell you, personally, from the bottom of my heart, that grief does not exclude joy. No matter how heartbreaking something is, there can be joy in the midst of it. Now maybe that doesn’t seem right to some people, and I’m sorry if you feel that way, but it’s true to me. The day my dad died, I still laughed. I still sat around and heard stories of him and felt overwhelmed with the gift of his life. And good heavens, that doesn’t mean I didn’t care, that I wasn’t heartsick, that I didn’t cry myself to sleep.

Sometimes we feel something akin to survivors’ guilt. Maybe you’re so grateful that your own children are okay that grief takes second place. Maybe you live far away from this and don’t feel much at all. Maybe something splendid just happened in your life that deserves celebration. Acknowledging the positive doesn’t have to mean denying or undercutting the negative. It hurt like hell that my dad couldn’t be at my wedding the year after he died, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy every drop of happiness that came to me that day.

Please don’t misunderstand. I am in no way saying that anyone should find joy in this or any tragedy. If something is so horrible you can’t find anything but sorrow in any facet of your life, you’re allowed that. Truly, every person is allowed to acknowledge the depth of a loss without having to feel like they “should” or “should not” do or feel anything.

When bad things like this happen on a public scale, there isn’t a “right” way to react. Reaction is an individual choice. Yes, it would be nice if everyone thought of taking down those auto-scheduled self-promotion tweets – a strangely vocal subject this Friday – but it isn’t your job to command people to do it. Chances are pretty good they either A) haven’t heard the news yet or B) don’t even realize their tweets are going out. If this bothers you so much, a quiet unfollow is just fine, and always your right. You don’t need to publicly reprimand them.

Some people are fixers; they will immediately want to start campaigning for some sort of change. Some people think that’s disrespectful; they want stillness first. Some people will want to talk it out, maybe get angry. Others will go silent to grieve in private. Still others will pretend nothing’s happening at all, and find slow solace through gradual acceptance. And some people won’t truly be much affected by it. And no matter which of these feels right for you, it doesn’t make the others wrong.

There is no wrong here except for what happened, and that’s exactly what we’re all trying to deal with.

~*~

I might or might not put up posts for the next week or two, since they will be in the midst of the holidays. So if I don’t get another chance, I wish you all joy and love this season. And if you can’t find that, I wish you peace.

Posted in Personal | 19 Comments

Tips for Greater Productivity, part 2

geared towards people who work at home, especially writers

This is the second half of my productivity tips list, so if you missed part 1, don’t forget to check it out!

6. Schedule both fun time and chill time.

And yes, they are different things. Fun time is for things like bowling with your kids, going on a weekend hike, or checking out your local Zumba class. (Notice how these are all active things that might give you endorphins.) Chill time is for things like TV marathons, lazy evenings on the couch with your spouse and pets, and luxury naps. (Notice how these are all snuggly things that might up your oxytocin levels.) Both are necessary for a healthy body and brain, so give yourself time to do one of each at least once a week. If you can’t find time, make time. A refreshed self is more productive than a continually exhausted self.

7. Get busy. (Not to be confused with fun time.)

This one is counter-intuitive. But have you ever noticed that when you have a bit of a time crunch you can pound out 1,000 words in a single hour… words that you often can’t get over an entire half-day? There’s a reason for this, and it’s the same one high school students have been using as an excuse to do last-minute papers for decades: our brains often work better under slight stress.

My point is that if you aren’t at least moderately busy, you might be less productive even though you have more time. So if you work at home and see that your day is wide open with nothing but one goal, throw some other things in there. Tell yourself you’re going to go get the oil changed today at 2, and that you have to accomplish your goal before then. You’ll likely achieve that new goal—and get your oil changed to boot. It’s a win-win.

And if you routinely find yourself with lots of empty time, it might be time to increase your goals.

8. Turn off the freaking interwebs.

Look at your laptop keyboard. Do you see near the top what looks like a little phone tower with motion symbols coming out of it? That’s the wireless button. (You desktoppers will have to do it the old fashioned way, from the control panel.) That button: push it. “But Annie, won’t that turn off the internet?” Yup.

9. Be hard on yourself.

There probably isn’t a therapist in the world who would tell you this, but lucky for us… I’m not a therapist.

Working for yourself is like going to the gym; it’s innate human nature to cheat. The reason personal trainers and fitness classes work better than telling yourself “you’ll do it at home” is because we are always sneakily trying to figure out ways to go easy on ourselves. It’s in our genetic makeup to conserve energy—both physical and mental. So, just as you might let yourself go 5 pounds lighter at the gym than your trainer would, you might just go several tasks lighter on yourself at home than a traditional boss would.

There’s no easy fix for this. The goals help, as does the schedule. In the end, you have to constantly remind yourself what you’re capable of.

You have to work hard. You have to push yourself beyond what you think you’re capable of, or you’ll never test your limits. I tell my husband all the time that I’m a much tougher boss than any bosses I know, and it’s true. If you want to be productive, you need to be hard on yourself.

10. But not too hard.

That being said… there’s a limit. You don’t want to cross the line between pushing yourself toward productivity and bullying yourself. That’s why we schedule in fun time and chill time. And if your own boss (you) ever brings you to tears with her harshness… tell that chief to eff off and go take your lunch break early. She’ll understand.

11. Get enough sleep.

You know that expression “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”? I think it’s one of goofiest things I’ve ever heard. People need sleep. You know what happens when you don’t sleep? You die. So… yeah, I guess you will “sleep when you’re dead”… and it will be a lot sooner than the rest of us.

Snark aside, not getting enough sleep is a huge problem in our society. When I was in college, people were always surprised by how regularly I maintained high grades. They’d ask me how I did it, and there were really only two answers: 1) Review new information within 24 hours of learning it, and 2) Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. Not kidding. Most people could get high grades if they religiously followed those two rules.

The mistake so many people make is cutting sleep during the week and “catching up” on the weekend. The problem with this (aside from the fact that sleep is directly tied to the immune system, and a lack of sleep will lead to increased illness, which will lead to decreased productivity) is that the brain needs sleep each night to process, sort, and store all of the information of that day. If you miss sleep that night, there’s no going back; that information (or some of it) will be lost—inadequately stored. So while, yes, you’ll sleep more that weekend because you’ll be tired, it won’t reverse the negative effects of skipping sleep during the week. There’s no such thing as “catching up on sleep.”

A rested brain means a higher-functioning brain. A higher-functioning brain means faster, higher-quality work production. Get your eight hours each night so your noggin is ready to go each morning. Plus, you’ll get rid of that dragged-out-of-bed–by-an-angry-raccoon feeling, which is always nice. Speaking of which…

12. Make the bed.

I thought about writing a whole paragraph here about how starting your day off with a neat, lovely, productive attitude sets the tone and gets you in a positive frame of mind (and there is truth to that — no, really)… but then I realized that I just prefer when people make the bed.

So make the bed.

~*~

What did I miss? Do you find yourself wishing you were more productive? Do you have any extra tips you can share with my readers? Jump in below!

Posted in Advice for Writers | 23 Comments

Tips for Greater Productivity, part 1

geared towards people who work at home, especially writers

I have been called plenty of things in my life, but I don’t think “lazy” has ever been one of them. Workaholic, anal-retentive, perfectionist, slave-driver, and bossy? Sure. Lazy? Not so much. Say what you will about that—and I’m sure you could pin this personality trait on plenty of unhealthy things—but in the end it serves one purpose splendidly: I get shit done.

So I thought I would share some of my principals and tricks with you guys. Turns out, I have a lot! So this will be in two parts for a total of 12 tips that make me a busy and productive bee.

1. Make goals.

Omg. Seriously? This tip isn’t new. I’m not saying it is, but here’s the thing: it works. Especially for people who work for themselves, like most writers. Every single time I find myself floundering for a week, drifting from project to project, or wasting entire days doing nothing but rechecking Twitter, it’s because I’ve forgotten to set new goals.

I’m not going to talk about what type of goals to make or how (well, not much anyway), because, dude… google it. Besides, most of us have had at least one teacher along the line make us fill out a worksheet about short-term and long-term goals. We get it. And most of us believe it, but that doesn’t mean we remember to make like Nike and just do it. This is especially crucial when you come to the end of a goal. So you actually finished your first draft when you said you were going to—awesome! But now what? Time to set the next goal.

2. Prioritize those goals.

This is actually something I learned from my husband. One night I asked him to help me set up a schedule for the next day, and the first things he asked me to do? Make a list and number them in order of importance. Factors that affect importance are 1) deadlines 2) productivity and 3) desirability. In other words, editing a certain short story might not be a priority this week, but if it’s due next week it will become one then.

After I did this, I gave Hub-a-dub the list and he made me a schedule. Did I like the schedule? Hell no! He made me do all the hard boring stuff first. (I had been instinctively checking off the more fun or repetitive tasks first as a way of procrastinating. More on that later.) Turns out that was one of the most productive days I’d had in weeks, and now I try to schedule every day this way. Which brings me to…

3. Make a plan (schedule) to reach those goals.

Making goals is all fine and dandy, but in and of itself just isn’t enough. You have to take steps toward achieving them. Which means… *dum dum DUM* a schedule.

Scheduling is one of those things that you just have to DO. *There’s isn’t really a shortcut, as far as I know. You sit down with your goals prioritized in a list + the hours available in your day, and punch them into timeslots. Remember to schedule food breaks and stretching breaks between long, tedious tasks.

4. Make a contingency plan.

Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes our goals are overzealous. Sometimes incredible and unexpected opportunities pop up. That’s okay. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t hit your goal on your projected date… unless you have no contingency plan and therefor beat yourself up and have an emotional breakdown.

Instead, make a back-up plan. Shift things around. Take a look at your prioritized list and push back the bottom items. Think of this like a long-term diet or health plan. If you fall off the wagon, don’t go crazy with it. Don’t start all over to punish yourself or give up entirely and go on a binge. Just continue on the next day as if it never happened. You’ll feel better about yourself and waste less time.

5. Procrastinate like a boss.

(The kind that’s slang for awesome, not the kind that means employer.)

My mom called a couple of weeks ago and asked what I was doing. I said, “Procrastinating.” She said, “I’ve never known you to,” and I tagged on, “Well I’m procrastinating productively.” My answer was misleading, but only on the surface. Explaining this long-time practice of the “right way to procrastinate” to her helped clarify it to me.

Fact: It is in human nature to procrastinate. Lesser-known fact: You can use this to your advantage.

Sometimes there are tasks that loom above us like mountains so tall the peak is engulfed in storm clouds. The best thing to do, when you can manage it, is tackle that bitch. Get started, small steps, and you’ll feel less overwhelmed in no time.

But let’s get real; sometimes that just isn’t going to happen. So when you feel that siren call to put off your MegaTask, do what I do: procrastinate by doing something else that’s still productive.

Example: Suzy set herself a goal of rewriting a highly emotional scene in her novel today, and she’s dreading it. She knows she won’t be able to make herself do it today, so instead of giving up and watching TV until she can’t feel her eyeballs, she edits an old short story and sends it out on submission. Or she catches up on her website’s much-needed updates. Or she reads. (That’s part of writer’s job too, you know.) Or if all else fails, she does chores. Hey, who hates a clean house?

If the MegaTask is daunting enough, you’d be amazed by the number of menial, odd-end jobs you can get done in the meantime. I do it all the time: use the fear of one task to spur the productivity of a bunch of others. Eventually, you’ll either have your whole life so in order that there’s nothing left to do but MegaTask, you’ll hit the deadline that forces you to face MegaTask, or you’ll realize MegaTask is something you don’t actually have to do and rearrange your priorities.

~*~

*Is there an interest for a daily schedule template for writers? It would be a free document at The Organized Writer. If yes, let me know in the comments below.

Part 2 is coming next week! Hope to see you back then. Don’t want to miss it? You can subscribe by email or RSS at the top of my sidebar, or follow these instructions to specify which types of posts you’re interested in.

So, which of these 5 tricks work for you? Have you tried them? What are the areas that you most need to improve on?

Posted in Advice for Writers | 22 Comments

The 3 Rules of Revision

Those of you who know me know how much I hate revisions. I really, really do. For me, it’s all the work of drafting with none of the fun. This explains the snark in last week’s comic as well as tweets like this:

At first I just used the angst for Twitter fodder, but eventually it got to the point where I was seriously floundering. I had feedback from four beta readers and much of it conflicted, not to mention that I had my own deep-gut worries. How the hell was I going to fix this mess, and more importantly, which things was I going to “fix,” and which things were actually right the way they are? Well, a couple of things happened. I called on a pretty amazing writing buddy (of which I’m lucky enough to have several) to help me talk it out, since she’d helped me talk out some of these same things before ALL THE FEEDBACK. Some things she just helped me logic through. But the main thing she did was tell me that the way I had some of these things was just right—as my gut was screaming at me all along. I’d become so afraid of unintentionally ignoring good critique out of fear, that I’d gone too far and started ignoring my own writerly mojo. Then I looked up and saw this quote, which I have printed and taped to the top of my computer screen: “Let me be wise in my creation, let me be fierce in its defense, let me be true to my message and my vision.” –Laurell K. Hamilton Funny how when you see something often enough, you forget to really notice it. I’ve always thought this was a beautiful quote, although potentially dangerous in the hands of writers with big egos or a reluctance to let in feedback. But its value is clear. When too much feedback brings in the doubt monsters, you have to go back to your own message and vision, and be true to that. Voilà:

Now I am revising and making progress as should be (even though it’s still totally no fun).

But I relearned an important lesson from my near-loss of revision sanity. Three of them, actually, and I’m going to share them here. The most important thing about them is that yes, they are in order of importance—and that’s what’s so easy to forget.

~*~

1) Trust your instinct.

If you feel deep down that you shouldn’t change something, don’t change it.

Just make sure that your deep negative reaction to a suggestion comes from genuine conflict of vision rather than fear or hurt feelings. Sometimes the critiques we react to most negatively are the ones that we deep down suspect are right. Just like insults that hurt our feelings, they’re worse if we secretly know they’re true.

So if you get a suggestion that makes you mad or sad, don’t reject it out of hand. Let it sit, think it over, and try to be honest with yourself. Do you hate this because you know it’s right and that hurts? Consider changing it. Do you hate this because it just doesn’t jive with your artistic vision for your book? Stick to your guns. You’re the creator; no one can make you change your work.

2) Trust your readers.

Not your beta readers: your future book readers. Rarely are beta readers and critique partners your actual ideal book readers.

I give a lot of critique, and this is one of the things I most often find myself saying. “Trust your reader” means don’t underestimate the intelligence of your audience. Don’t over-explain. Don’t dumb it down. Don’t smack them in the face with clues. Trust them to understand your vision and message, and revise accordingly.

Will all of your future readers get it? No. But the ones who do will love you for it. Write for the few, not the many. Readers, like kids, know when they’re being talked down to, and they don’t like it. Trust your reader, and they will sense it.

3) Trust your critique partner(s).

At some point during the writing process, it becomes necessary to get outside opinions. Writing in a hermetically-sealed bubble can be a good thing, but revising in one usually isn’t.

There’s a caveat to this lesson: you have to have good critique partners and beta readers. Finding them isn’t always an easy thing, but once you do, you’ll know it. And you’ll quickly realize whose tastes mesh with yours, and whose opinions (though always valid) simply don’t match up with what you’re going for. I’m lucky enough to have this, so I know it’s out there. If you haven’t yet found someone who suits what you need, keep looking. A good reader is one of the strongest tools a writer can have.

And once you’ve found one…

Trust them with your work. Trust them with your emotions. Trust them to know how much you can handle, and if they push your limits, trust that they believe you’re ready for it. Trust that they’re being honest, and that they don’t have ulterior motives.

Finally, trust their opinions in every regard except when it conflicts with numbers 1 or 2.

~*~

So there you have it: my three rules of revising. Funny how all three of them come down to trust, isn’t it? The past couple of weeks have been a good reminder of this for me.

Writers, do you ever find yourself forgetting lessons you’ve already learned? How do you get back on track? Also, do you have your own “rules” for revisions? Feel free to share below!

Posted in The Art | 19 Comments

A Book Comic

Book Comic by Annie Neugebauer

Posted in Silly Stuff | 18 Comments