11 Things I Learned at DFWcon

Originally posted on February 28, 2011 at 4:47 PM

Just got back from the con last night, and man my head is spinning. Not only did I get my first requests (yes, plural!) for full manuscripts, but I also got requests for partials, met tons of awesome writers and almost a dozen amazing agents, had a blast with my writing BFFs, and learned enough good stuff to turn my brain into mush. So, let’s make your brain mush too!

1. The Gong Show is more entertaining than TV.

2. The Gong Show is also the most educational way to study queries. I learned more about query-writing in that first hour and a half than I have in a lifetime of classes, critiques, and articles. Fabulous.

3. When at a con, agents are pseudo celebrities, but nicer. (You can actually talk to them!)

4. Thanks to a fabulous class by Jessica Sinsheimer: I can put myself in the top percentile of query-ers just by following directions, being intelligent, and putting in the effort.

5. If you wear a hat, you are more memorable. (Jeff Posey’s got it down.)

6. My friends like to sleep with the room extraordinarily cold.

7. Writers’ conferences (or at least this one) are an incredible value and well worth the money.

8. Holding a glass in your hand at a cocktail party makes everything easier, even if you don’t drink from it. (Something to make you look less awkward.)

9. “High concept” is almost impossible to explain, but easy to recognize. Not all books are high concept. This is okay. Thanks, Colleen Lindsay.

10. “Portals happen.” –Amy Boggs

11. If you really want something, it is definitely worth hoping, worth overcoming fear, and worth taking risks. Dude, just go for it.

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10 Ways to Make Your Writing Wicked-Good

Originally posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:20 AM

With all of the writing blogs out there, doesn’t it eventually begin to feel like everyone is just regurgitating the same advice in different phrasing? Well, you won’t have to worry about that here. Writers, I present to you:

10 Ways to Make Everything You Write Shoot Immediately to the Top of the NYT Bestsellers List and Gain Dozens of Lovers AND Have Obama Ask You to Give the Next State of the Union

10. Work naked. It frees you from doubts and inhibitions, and if you take pictures you’ll get lots of followers on Twitter. (Incidentally, follow me on Twitter!)

9. Try alternating your sentences between long, flowing, voluminous sentences that seem to roll like the spring grass on the hillside of a place so magical it could only exist in the mind, and fit in so many clauses and extra phrases that one loses sense of place and time and becomes one with the words like bathing in softly flowing rain until the letters gain their own individual meaning and impart it to you like the nectar of truth, and really short ones. It works.

8. When in doubt, make your characters start arguing violently.

7. Write only one sentence a day. Perfect that sentence. Tomorrow, move on.

6. Alternatively, write your entire novel on methamphetamines without ever stopping to eat, sleep, or pee.

5. Pay someone better than you to do it for you.

4. Don’t worry about quality. Just carry around a machete when you solicit sales.

3. If you write something that actually sounds decent, be sure to cut it out of the final draft. You’re supposed to murder your darlings, remember?

2. Whatever you’re writing, sprinkle in some monkeys. Everyone likes monkeys.

1. Do all of this simultaneously, preferably while wearing a hat that looks like this:

funny hat

This works for me. It will work for you, too. Guaranteed*.

*Lies.
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Horror and Terror

Originally posted on February 19, 2011 at 7:10 PM

*Disclaimer: this is the horror-genre connoisseur’s post. If you don’t like that genre, you probably shouldn’t read this. It might make you angry. It might make anyone angry, for that matter. Fair warning.

“Horror” and “terror” have always been interesting words to me. They’re often used together, so obviously they have some connection, but the fact that they are used as a duo (as opposed to interchangeably) also signifies that they have distinct meanings. Otherwise, why list both?

I’m certainly not the first person to think on this. In fact, it’s been an ongoing discussion in the literary community since gothic writer Ann Radcliffe (author of the fabulous The Mysteries of Udolpho) first brought it up almost 200 years ago. Here’s what Ms. Radcliffe had to say:

“Terror and Horror are so far opposite that the first expands the soul, and awakens the faculties to a high degree of life; the other contracts, freezes and nearly annihilates them …. And where lies the difference between horror and terror, but in the uncertainty and obscurity that accompany the first, respecting the dreading evil?”

Essentially, what I interpret Radcliffe to be saying here (and in other readings I’ve done), is that terror inspires fear while horror inspires distaste. And furthermore, that the first is sublime while the second is despicable. I’ll wait. Go ahead. Re-read that.

*gasps*

*other people wondering why there were gasps*

*someone goes back to re-read it*

*more gasps*

*confused looks*

Okay. I’ll explain. You know that slow-moving ghost story that keeps you awake at night for fear of a bodiless man standing over your bed? That’s okay. Desirable, even. That takes you to new heights of living. But you know that movie that you’d be uncomfortable watching with your mom? The one that involves eviscerating people with a pocket knife? That’s not okay. That makes you a scum bag.

Horror-genre lovers, you may gasp now.

As much as I love Radcliffe, I believe her to be a victim of her time. Thankfully, horror creators today don’t share her qualms, although at least the most notable among them seem to agree with her distinctions:

“I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I’ll go for the gross-out. I’m not proud.” –Stephen King (emphasis mine)

Why, Mr. King. Perhaps you’ve tapped into something.

I agree that terror, as a horror writer, should be the priority. I.e., causing fear in the reader. But I don’t agree with why. I don’t think it’s the “finest emotion” of the two or that it “expands the soul.” I think, quite simply, that it is harder to accomplish. Any Jo Blow off the street can gross you out or sicken your morals, but only the most talented can make you look over your shoulder, make goose bumps stand out on your arms, make your neck crawl. And thus the hierarchy is based on skill, not on some philosophical idea of one emotion being finer than the other.

I’m not arguing that gross-outs are noble. I’m arguing that terror isn’t.

And while I’m at it, I might as well piss everyone off: neither is romance, love, empathy, pity, bravery, loss, or humor. Sorry guys, but I’m just not buying it. We are humans. Emotions are biological responses. One is not greater than another, just different.

So by all means, horror writers should strive for terror first, horror second, and ickies third. But not because of some mislead notion that one will get them (or their readers) to Heaven faster. Just because it’s a way of narrowing the field. The best writers can accomplish the first, the worst only the last. Go ahead, scare the crap out of me. Prove yourself.

Disagree? I love to debate. Feel free to comment.

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Valentine’s Day

Originally posted on February 14, 2011 at 1:15 PM

For some reason, this Valentine’s Day I wanted to write about the moment I fell in love with my husband. Turns out, I can’t do that. There wasn’t a moment. There were a thousand little microscopic moments – a joke here, a gesture there, a touch, a smile, a look – that built upon each other to create our relationship, our love. We were friends long before we were romantic, and that trust was invaluable in creating a bond that would, could, and in fact already has, weathered the darkest of storms.

But still, there is one thing in particular that stands out in my memory as some sort of shift. I can’t explain why, but I can tell you the memory.

I was about to go into my last full semester of college (which for me was year two), and I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. There was only one possible time for me to get it done, and that was less than a week before classes started. I made the appointment (back home in College Station) and had the surgery. Many people have had this procedure done, but everyone experiences it in different ways. I was one of the unfortunate people for whom it was awful.

I came home from the hospital in an anesthesia haze of misery, gauze filling my mouth like dry, cottony wounds. My dad and Kyle immediately ushered me into bed, where I laid on my back and tried to fall asleep. I was exhausted, but being the rule-follower that I am, I couldn’t let myself sleep because I was supposed to keep my jaw closed and if I relaxed it fell open. I mumbled something to this effect to Kyle, who promptly left and returned with a roll of toilet paper. He tucked it under my chin on top of my chest so I could relax and still have my jaws closed on the gauze.

Now, it must have been tempting for Kyle to laugh. I think I would have, if I hadn’t been in so much pain and all drugged up. I must have looked like an armless chipmunk desperate to hold on to a roll of TP. But Kyle didn’t laugh. He’s too sweet for that. He simply solved what needed solving, tucked me in, and let me sleep off the worst of the medicine. I will always remember him in that moment.

Us back when we were giggly little monkeys.

But for me, it only got worse from there. I ended up getting two dry-sockets, which for those of you who don’t know, means I had two gapingly exposed nerve endings. Worst physical pain I’ve ever felt. But through it all, Kyle was there. In fact, when I went back to school after missing the first week of class (dry sockets messed up my well-laid plan), my professors didn’t believe that I’d had my wisdom teeth removed. They said my cheeks weren’t swollen – everyone’s cheeks are swollen after that surgery. My cheeks weren’t swollen because Kyle woke up every four hours for three or four days straight to put fresh ice on my cheeks. How ever did I get so lucky?

I don’t love Kyle because he takes care of me when the chips are down. I don’t even love him because he’s thoughtful and considerate and kind. It’s much, much more than that. But looking back at that memory, I have to admit that it’s a piece of the puzzle. I love you, Hub-a-Dub. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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How to Put a Positive Spin on Your Worst Qualities (i.e.: How to Write a Eulogy for a Horrible Person) (i.e.: How to Beef up Your Resume)

Originally posted on January 31, 2011 at 7:20 PM

So maybe your mean old great aunt Georgia died, and you somehow got stuck with giving the ten-minute eulogy in the form of a poem. Or say you’re creating an online dating profile. Or maybe you don’t have enough positive attributes to fill out a job application. Or perhaps you just want to make yourself feel better through good old-fashioned denial. Well, my friend, you’ve come to the right place.

If you’re Say you
loud-mouthed are not afraid to speak your mind
a bitch stand up for yourself
*selfish are goal oriented
greedy appreciate the beauty in objects around you
an animal hoarder are an animal lover
abusive have a firm hand
mean are honest
a zealot have a healthy fear of god
lazy are laid-back
a smartass are snarky
indecisive consider all of your options
proud are confident
vain take care of the temple which is the body
*bossy are a natural-born leader
snooty have great taste
careless are care-free
insensitive practice tough love
*arrogant are proud of your achievements
cowardly take caution
oblivious are innocent
jealous see the good in others (and want it)
cheap are thrifty
gluttonous love fine cuisine
lustful are smoking hot
*stubborn stand firm in what you believe in
dishonest are clever
nosey take a keen interest in those around you
short-tempered are passionate
argumentative love a good debate
*introverted are thoughtful
stupid lead a simple life
*oversensitive are sensitive

So how ‘bout it, did you think of some I left out? And do you see yourself in any of these? (Now, chances are that if you’ve gotten to the end of this list and don’t recognize yourself in at least a handful of them, you’re rather oblivi—I mean innocent. Yeah. That’s the word.)

*’s equal the worst of my sins. For the sake of not *ing them all, I limited it to 6. But feel free to asterisk as many as you’d like mentally, you meanie—I mean, er… honest person.

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