The Adventures of Squirmy

Posted on December 12, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

I thought you guys might like a laugh to get your week started. Here’s a poem of mine that won the National Federation of State Poetry Societies sonnet contest in 2010. It was first published in their prize anthology Encore.

The Adventures of Squirmy

My brother had a frog with four webbed feet—
a gift. My mother wouldn’t touch the thing,
but driven by her need to keep things neat,
set out to clean his filthy tank, one spring.
So Squirmy got a temporary home
of glass; no lid did grace its shorter top,
thus Squirmy sensed his chance to jump and roam
about on new dry land; so out he popped,
slipped down the kitchen sink with one knee-jerk.
My mother, scared of frogs…well, lost control
and thought she had to call my dad at work,
so when he heard her say “disposal hole,”
he figured Squirmy’d be already gone
and all he knew to say was, “Turn it on.”

Annie Neugebauer
© 2010, All rights reserved.

*Yes, it is a true story. And no, Mom did not turn it on. Squirmy lived for many more adventures and an incredible 10 years.

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Why Writers Online Should Avoid the Impulse to Change

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

You see that picture above? Me wearing purple and smiling like a goober? I’m sick to death of it.

Since that photo, I have since had shots of me that I like better. Namely, this one, where my hair is in its natural mane instead of straightened:

So why haven’t I swapped them out? It’s simple, really: You recognize that picture.

Unless you’ve stumbled upon this blog post randomly, you probably know me, at least vaguely/subconsciously, as “that smiley girl in the purple shirt.” You should, anyway. I use that headshot on my blog sidebar, my Twitter, my Google+, my Goodreads, my author bios, my Klout, my Linkedin, my Disqus, all of my blog memberships, and any other online venue that I’m partaking in as a professional writer.

And not only that, but I’ve color coordinated, too. Purple (to match that shirt, of course), orange, black, gray, and white are the colors I stick with whenever I have the option to choose my own colors. And I choose damask whenever I can choose a pattern. (These colors and pattern are the best compromise, to me, between my vastly different genres of horror/gothic, literary, and poetry, but I’m getting off topic.)

The reason I do this is to begin building name/face recognition, and it’s easier for people to remember you if you’re consistent with your online image. Think about it this way: your hundreds of Twitter followers are also following hundreds of other people. It’s easy to overlook someone. You have to make effort to build relationships with people. And since those people’s timelines are filled with thousands of tweets that they have to sort through every day, most people scan.

The way they scan? They look at those tiny little avatars and/or your Twitter handle (your @ name). If you’re one of the lucky people who they’ve built a relationship with, you’re probably one of the avatars they scan for amidst the masses. If you change that avatar, you’re much harder to find. In fact, I can think of several Twitter friends that I don’t know any more, and I strongly suspect that it’s because I knew their picture better than their name, and now that they’ve changed it I can’t figure out who they are.

Here’s another scenario. I’m a reader. I read a short story/poem that I absolutely LOVED in one of my favorite literary magazines. In fact, I loved it so much that I went to the contributors page and looked for the author’s bio. Next to their neat one-paragraph summary is a picture of them in a red hat. At the bottom is a link to their author website. I click on it.

There, right on their sidebar, is that same picture of them in a red hat. I know I am in the right place: the home base of the author I now love and will follow forever. If the picture had been of them twenty years later with no hat and a different hair color, I might be confused. I might think I had the wrong website. I might just move on, because hell, it’s easier anyway. They’ve lost a potential reader.

So what am I getting at?

Don’t change your stuff.

There are exceptions, of course. Sometimes websites really do need overhauls. But that should be a once-every-few-years thing, not a monthly thing. Same goes for headshots. When I get a book deal, I’ll want to get a professional author photo for my promo stuff, book jacket, etc. But once I get that new headshot, I’ll put it everywhere and keep it for as long as I can. And wherever possible, I’ll bring it to people’s attention that I’m changing my picture, so they can make the connection between my old photo and me as their online friend.

And I’ll hopefully never change my Twitter handle, etc. That’s why it’s good to use your publishing name as your website title and username for everything you can. No matter what else changes, that will always stay the same, building name recognition between you and everyone who follows you. Same thing for avatars. You want a picture of you, not your book. Your book will eventually become a different book; you will always stay you. Besides, people want to interact with other people anyway – not objects.

So that’s why I think writers working on their online platforms should avoid the impulse to change their avatars, handles, and website templates like they’re nail polish colors. The interwebs is a big place for writers, and we work hard to build connections with each other. Make it easier for people to keep them by making it easier for people to recognize you from venue to venue.

And yes, you should go ahead and make peace with purple-shirted, straight-haired, smiley me, because I’ll be keeping that photo as long as I can possibly bear it.

What do you think? Are you guilty of swapping photos every time you get a better shot? Twitter handles? Blog templates? Or do you think I’m wrong, and that variety is the spice of life? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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Physical Books: Reading, Sniffing, and Torturing

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Mmmm… doesn’t that smell good?

I have a piece of flash fiction that was just published today in the December issue of The Washington Pastime. Wee! I love it, have always loved it, and am very happy that it found such a lovely new home. My story is called, “The Book Sniffers,” and can be found on lucky page thirteen. *thumbs up*

As you might gather from that title, I enjoy sniffing books. A lot. In fact, I occasionally go to libraries and used book stores just to browse the aisles and sniff. And I’m not the only one. Turns out there’s a chemical reason for that delicious old book odor:

“Lignin, the stuff that prevents all trees from adopting the weeping habit, is a polymer made up of units that are closely related to vanillin. When made into paper and stored for years, it breaks down and smells good. Which is how divine providence has arranged for secondhand bookstores to smell like good quality vanilla absolute, subliminally stoking a hunger for knowledge in all of us.” –from Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez’s Perfumes: the guide

So I’m not *totally* crazy. (Yeah, okay – I am.)

Even teh kittehs want in on teh actshun.

I like to think of physical books as candles: what’s the point of having them if you’re afraid to use them? Some people will buy candles that are so pretty that they never burn them. I’ve never really understood that. To me, a candle (like a book) is a functional thing. Pretty? Sure… while you’re using it. Key word = “using.” Neither are meant to live on a shrine.

Uh-oh. I’ll have to break the glass to sniff that bad boy.

My dad used to hate it when people broke the spines on his books. He didn’t like that white line that went through the title. But how are you going to read comfortably if you’re only holding your book open at a 90 degree angle? I tried to be careful when I borrowed books from him, but when I bought my own, you better believe the first thing I did was crack that sucker open. I love the sound of a book spine breaking for the first time. Makes me feel like an officer of the Spanish Inquisition.

I love torturing books.

Check out this book weight. I use it almost every single day of my life. If someone found this in my bedside table, unexplained, they would surely think it was… well… something saucy.

Drop your pants and spread ‘em, book.

And that’s not all. I shamelessly dog-ear corners if I lose my bookmark. I clasp pages open with clothespins at the gym. I splatter soup on pages while using my bookstand. I take off book jackets completely. My cats chew the corners of hardbacks. I tote little paperbacks in my purse. I mark up the margins like I’m still in college. I show my books no mercy, and they love it.

Please, Miss, can I have some more?

Because honestly, what’s the point of having a book if you’re afraid to use it? To really get in there and – forgive me – abuse it with glee? With the rise of e-readers, physical books have become even more of a treasure to me. I don’t have anything against ebooks; my husband has an iPad and I’ve read a couple of books on there and liked it just fine. But there are things a physical book can give you that a screen just can’t. The main thing being an experience.

This screen just smells like cogs and finger smudges.

[Side note. Did you read about Ray Bradbury releasing Farenheit 451 as an ebook? Ironic. Almost as ironic as “The Book Sniffers” coming out through digital publishing.]

No doubt times are a-changin’. And even as a physical book fanatic, I think that’s okay. I, for one, will still teach my kids and grandkids the love of a good, hardcover book, just as my mother taught me. And come to think of it, my Gammy always said an unburned candle is tacky, tacky, tacky. So crack a spine, torture a book, read it, for God’s sake… and really get in there and sniff.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your opinions and stories, book lovers! What’s your favorite book memory? Do you value physical books? Will you always? How do you treat them, and why?

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So You’re Thinking of Getting a Cat

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

I’ve lived with 9 cats so far in my life, 5 of them specifically mine. I love cats more than anyone you will ever meet, so I am all for other people getting them… especially if I can visit. =D But there are some things I’ve learned along the way that you should consider before you run out and adopt a kitty.

How many cats should I get?

Generally, 1-3. My favorite answer? 2.

Three cats is practically a litter, which seems like a bit much – especially if they’ll be in the house. But one cat can get lonely. Now, cats are not as social as dogs, so some cats will be perfectly fine alone. But all cats, like people, have different personalities, and some of those personalities are playful and social, and if an owner doesn’t have as much time to interact with that cat, the cat can get depressed and dejected. In extreme cases that cat can actually become neurotic due to a lack of social interaction. And no one wants a neurotic kitty.

Since I know from experience how difficult it is to get a second cat once you’ve had the first cat for a while, I would recommend getting two off the bat to avoid this problem entirely. And to make sure they get along well, you can’t go wrong with getting two kittens from the same litter.

Where should I get it?

There are so many cats in this world who need homes. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong if you get a cat from any place; you are still saving that cat. But I personally can’t bear to think of paying for them at pet stores when there are thousands of stray cats at animal shelters who desperately need homes. Saving kittens that are on the streets is noble, too, as they would most likely also end up in animal shelters. Grown cats off the streets, however, will likely never make a good domesticated pet.

What age cat should I adopt?

That depends. What are your intentions? I’ve always gotten kittens because I like to be extremely close to my cats, and raising them from a young age guarantees that. But if you want a cat who lives with you but doesn’t necessarily revolve around you, a grown cat is a great option. Kittens are also a lot more work; a grown cat is less maintenance. There are plenty of both who need adoption.

Should it be short- or long-haired?

Long-haired cats are gorgeous, but they’re a pain. They leave their fur everywhere, and they are much more prone to hairballs, which are, indeed, disgusting. You can’t help which kitty you fall in love with, but I would certainly recommend steering your love in the direction of short-haired if you’re a low-maintenance type of owner.

Should it be indoor, outdoor, or both?

There are several ways to look at this, and there truly is no right answer. My dad was a huge cat lover, and he firmly believed that being cooped up inside was no life for a cat. I, on the other hand, will never own another outdoor or indoor/outdoor cat. Indoor cats live longer — period. Every time your cat goes outside, it is at risk: cars, predators, cruel people, getting lost, fights with other cats, etc. Not to mention that if it comes back and forth between inside and out it can bring with it fleas, parasites, and other diseases.

But, like I said, there are different ways to look at it. Maybe a freer, more wild life is worth it for the cat even if it does shorten their life expectancy. But my indoor cats are extremely happy kitties. As long as they have windows to look out and plenty of toys to play with and stimulate their minds, they will be fine. So my vote? Indoor. I want these kitties to grow old with me. I have lost three outdoor cats early, and it is truly heartbreaking.

Should I get it fixed and/or declawed?

It is my belief that everyone, everywhere, should always get every single cat fixed at the youngest age possible. There are way too many stray cats and not nearly enough owners for them. There will always be more kittens; you do not need to “breed” your own.

Declawing is another issue. Some people always declaw every cat they own no matter what. Some people think that declawing is an inhumane practice equivalent to torture and should be made illegal. As always, there is more than one way to look at it, and the truth is probably somewhere in between.

If your cat is outdoors, or indoor/outdoor, you should not declaw. A cat outside needs to be able to defend itself from other cats, and it cannot do that without front claws. And no cat, ever, should have its back feet declawed. Indoor cats occasionally get out, and those back claws are their only chance of survival.

But there are reasons to declaw an indoor-only cat. Namely, property destruction. Some cats naturally gravitate toward scratching posts – yahoo. But others can wreak havoc on furniture, curtains, doors, and other possessions. My vet put it this way: with so many owners getting rid of cats because they can’t afford to have their furniture ruined, how can declawing be considered completely wrong? If it saves the lives of cats, it seems worth it. And although you hear that it is equivalent to removing a human finger at the first knuckle, that is not true anymore. If it’s a difference between having to get your cat declawed or getting rid of it, I certainly think declawing is the lesser evil. Some people disagree, and that’s fine. You’ll have to make your own choice.

If you do think declawing is the way you’ll go: do it early. Young kittens heal so much faster than older cats. They can be declawed and fixed in the same appointment and be back on their feet after a day or two. A very young kitten won’t even remember having claws and will never know the difference. And yes, declawed cats can still climb, play, and do pretty much everything else a cat with claws can. I’ve even caught my declawed kitty “scratching” the scratching post. Another consideration: if you have more than one cat, you will need to have either all or none of them declawed. Cats do fight, and you don’t want one cat to be at an unfair advantage, as this can lead to serious power struggles and conflict.

What are some other considerations?

Where will you put the litter box(es)? You need at least one litter box for each cat you own, and yes – they do stink. I mean, there’s shit in there. What do you expect? If you’re a neat freak, you might want to consider putting your litter boxes in the garage and having a kitty door to get to it. The downside of that is that if your cats are indoor only, you can’t easily pull your car into the garage. The upside is that your house won’t smell like litter box. Another option is to put your box in a bathroom, although that can be kind of gross for non-cat-lovers who visit your house. Do you care? This is something important to consider before you get a cat. A litter box needs to be scooped every day.

Will cat hair drive you crazy? You can get a “neutral” colored cat (tan, gray, brown) to help hair blend in to furniture, but it will still be there. If you don’t want to be constantly vacuuming, lint rolling, and saying, “Sorry about the cat hair,” this is a serious consideration. It gets in everything, on everything: promise. As I mentioned above, long-haired cats are worse, but all cats shed. Don’t get a cat if you’re not okay with that.

Can you afford a cat? Vet trips are super expensive. Fixing a cat can easily cost $200, and that’s per cat. Food, litter, toys, emergency vet visits… it does add up. And there will always be unexpected expenses: count on that. Hundreds of kitties are put on the streets and sent to shelters for this reason every year. Plan ahead. Please be responsible and don’t get a cat if you can’t afford it.

Are you allergic? You might want to get tested before you get a cat.

Will the cat(s) be allowed to sleep with you? Or go into your bedroom at all? Sleeping with a pet has been shown to decrease sleep quality. Is that worth it to you? If not, is your home big enough for your cat to sleep elsewhere if you close your bedroom door at night?

Do you have the space for a cat? Admittedly, cats aren’t dogs; they don’t need to be walked or have a huge yard to run around in. But they do need some space. Cats like to be alone for at least part of the day. If you don’t have at least a couple of rooms that are cat-friendly, you might have a grumpy kitty on your hands. And multiple cats need much more space than just one. They are very territorial, and definitely need to be able to get away from each other. Vertical space is a great solution for this. Cat towers are a nice option to increase kitty’s domain.

And, finally, will your housemates be okay with your cat(s)? Hopefully your spouse/roommate/family aren’t cruel enough to hurt or “accidentally” release your cat, but that does happen and it’s very sad. And even if they tolerate it, will they be happy? Depending on your relationship with said housemate(s), this could affect you more than your cats. Consideration for others is definitely something to keep in mind. A happy housemate is a good housemate.

So there you have it. Every consideration I could think of about getting a cat. I hope it helps. Peace, love, and kitties to you all.

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Why I’m Tired of People Ragging on Twilight

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

I’m hesitant to even write this blog. For one thing, defending Twilight makes me seem like a fan, and I’m not really. I don’t hate it or anything – I’ve read all four books and enjoyed them for what they were – but I’m certainly not going to the movies on opening night or convincing my husband to replace my wedding ring with the one designed based on Bella Swan’s:

Not that there’s anything “wrong” with wanting a fictional character’s ring in your real life. That’s not crazy at all. Or something.

And I’ll go ahead and make it clear now that I am not trying to convince you to like Twilight. I really, really do not care if you like it or not. But I feel the need to address the type and level of Twilight hate that’s been going around… you know… all of Earth. Because underneath the seemingly hostile and somewhat amusing slams and pot-shots taken at the books, there are some actual important issues at play.

Bandwagons

Here’s the thing: I hate bullies. I hate bandwagons. And I really, really hate bullies who jump on bandwagons. I have seen people on Facebook announce that if they see any mentions of Twilight in their newsfeed they are unfriending the person who posted it. I mean, I know it’s ‘like really cool’ to not like what’s popular and stuff (Hey, if it doesn’t say “indie” on the back cover it’s a sell-out, right?), but that seems a little extreme, doesn’t it?

And the real kicker is that most of the people I hear dissing the Twilight series almost certainly haven’t even read any of the books. They’re just jumping on bandwagons. Twilight is trendy, and thus it is trendy to slam it. Lazy much? If you’re going to hate on something so hard, at least do your research. And the flip-side? If you do your research, and still hate it that much, why do you keep talking about it?

Writing Quality

The primary complaint I hear from writers who diss the books is that the quality of Stephenie Meyer’s writing is poor. And my answer to that is… so what?

For one thing, quality is subjective. Plot can be just as important as character, and different writing styles strive to achieve different things. But I’m not going to try to argue that Stephenie Meyer’s writing is particularly good. I don’t think it is.

But there are hundreds of poorly written, incredibly popular books published every year and that’s never stopped the general public from liking them. Aspiring authors’ agony be damned: crap gets published and people love it. Deal with it.

Content

The next complaint I hear is about the message of the books. I’ve already addressed the ignorant, ultra-conservative parents who think these books are evil. But on the other spectrum are the ultra-liberal parents who think these books send an unrealistic, overly romantic and thus harmful message to young girls, much like Cinderella.

“Stephenie Meyer has come and she’s taken the genre that I sort of pioneered. Her original audience was 11- and 12-year-olds, so she – very rightly – sanitized the genre. She took out a lot of the sex and violence, especially for the first book…I ask people, Why has this really captured you? What I heard from all ages is that it was very romantic that he was willing to wait for her and that there was no sex. They like the idea that [Bella] was like the fairy princess and [Edward] is the handsome prince that rides in and saves her. The fact that women are so attracted to that idea – that they want to wait for Prince Charming rather than taking control of their own life – I find that frightening.” — Laurell K. Hamilton, Entertainment Weekly

Now you guys know I adore Laurell K. Hamilton. And I adore her fierce independence and constant striving for sexual equality. But I also adore cheesy, sleazy romance novels with lots of sex and unrealistic-hero expectations, and if Twilight is harmful, then those are ten times harmful. But I would argue that they aren’t. It’s fiction. It is the epitome of fantasy fulfillment. Emphasis on fantasy. It’s fulfillment through fiction because we know that real life won’t cut it.

I didn’t watch Cinderella thinking that I would marry a prince (good post on that here), and I didn’t read Twilight thinking that my significant other would ever be as over-the-top obsessed and dedicated as I fantasized he would be. Who doesn’t want to be intensely desired? The books deliver that. It’s just for fun. It’s not real. Give readers a little credit; they know that. And if they don’t? That responsibility goes to their parents, not the author. I will never agree that writers are responsible for readers’ beliefs.

Gender politics

And here’s what’s really bothering me. To me, as an adult woman who seems to be one of the few people who’s not screaming and rioting either for or against “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” (Okay, okay: I’m totally team Edward. Your abs mean *almost* nothing to me, Jacob.), this is all because The Twlight Saga is a girl thing. Yes, that’s right, I said it. It is just as mainstream-cool-and-thus-really-lame as Harry Potter and The Hunger Games (two other crazy-popular young adult series), but people don’t rag on them because those series are geared toward boys.

Don’t argue yet. Read this:

“People are attracted by the stories, by the pace, and in the case of Stephenie Meyer, it’s very clear that she’s writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting and it’s thrilling and it’s not particularly threatening because it’s not overtly sexual.” – Stephen King, USA Weekend

I can’t help but think of gender politics. Now, in literature as in most fields, the market is dominated by men. There are plenty of female voices, but the male voices seem to be louder and more weighty. Books focusing on “boyhood,” like Something Wicked This Way Comes, The Yearling, and Robinson Crusoe are generally taken more seriously – as far as literary merit – than books focusing on “girlhood,” like Little Women, Sarah Plain and Tall, and Little House on the Prairie. I would argue that this is only because our society still tells us that men are more valuable and more serious than women.

And the very implication that Twilight is for girls while Hunger Games is for boys can be insulting, suggestive, and argued. But I don’t have time for all of that. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m just saying it is. Twilight is a “girl book” because it focuses on romance. (Teen boys tend to mature at a later age than teen girls, so they escape a lot of this discussion.)

Love between adults is, arguably, the single most important subject in all of literature throughout all of history, perhaps rivaled only by death and religion. Love is considered noble, vital, and well-worthy of literary pursuit.

Teenagers forming romantic relationships with each other is a necessary step in the human life cycle to find a partner. And yet… teen romances are slammed by critics, considered “flighty” and “trashy” and “focusing on the wrong values.” Why? I’m really asking. Why is it noble for adults and frivolous for teens? And furthermore, why are teenage girls learning the ropes of romantic and sexual relationships considered shallow? I believe that people become derisive about it simply because it makes them uncomfortable.

Teenaged females are in between girls and women, and the idea of them being sexual or even romantic makes adults squirm. That is not a good enough reason to mock teenaged girls, their genre interests, or these books.

Comparisons

*This quote, in particular, is pissing me off. Not only for its implications when it comes to gender politics, as I mentioned above, but also for one very important reason that I keep seeing crop up in the Twilight discussions:

It is not a competition. One excessively popular book need not be pitted against another excessively popular book. I see it EVERYWHERE. Twilight sucks because… Harry Potter is better? What good does that comparison do, exactly? Makes people feel like they have to choose one to love and one to hate. Believe it or not, it is entirely possible to love both, hate both, or feel relatively ambivalent about both.

I would really, really love to stop seeing this quotation passed around like it’s a Bible verse.

And one more thing…

Just for the record. Making fun of “sparkly” vampires is easy, because the word in and of itself is sort of silly and vaguely flamboyant, so having a creature that was once thought of only as “scary” be “sparkly” is a pretty easy target.

But let’s be honest; Stephenie Meyer was not the one to take vampires from scary to sexy. Chelsea Quinn Yarbro, Anne Rice, and Laurell K. Hamilton did that for her. Vampires can still be scary, but they can also now be sexy. It’s been done; it can’t be undone. So get over it.

The truth is that vampires glittering in the sun is actually a really cool, original concept. In Stephenie Meyer’s world, humans don’t know vampires exist. But making them glitter allowed her to change the rules: her vamps were not immune to the sun, but rather wise to evade it to avoid risk of exposure to humans. And since Ms. Meyer was simply embracing the preexisting idea of the romantic vampire, I also think it’s a nice finishing touch on her version of the creature. If a human had skin that glittered and I was in love with him, I’d think it was pretty neat too. So eff off, haters. Let them vamps get their glitter on.

 

What do you think? Am I right? Are there gender politics involved here? And will there ever be something teen girls love that isn’t mocked by the rest of the population (see: Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber…)? Or is it just too easy/fun to slam Twilight? And most importantly, why all the hate, haters? I know you’ve got Breaking Dawn tucked under your nightstand. 😉

*I haven’t been able to verify this quotation. The typed one is from an interview he did with USA Weekend, but the one that’s been made into an image and infecting the interwebs could be made up or misattributed. Anyone know for sure?

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