Family Portrait

Originally posted on August 2, 2010 at 2:11 PM

Family Portrait

Five little smurpletons stood in a row, each with his or her own wacky hat in a different color. The littlest one looked off over her pink-clad shoulder, digging one toe into the soft dirt as she traced the flight of a spiraling seed pod. The twins entwined their arms around each other in their orange and green striped overalls: one with an orange hat—pom-pom to the side—and the other with a green hat—rim tugged low over twinkling eyes. The eldest smurpleton stood tall and stoic in his yellow, frowning at the prancing blue ball of energy that was his brother. “Now look at me!” their mother called out, and five little faces suddenly turned toward Momma Smurps. She reviewed them with lavender eyes: each oval face was soft and white, glowing with the brilliance that illuminated their skin from within, and they smiled as the shutter of her camera clicked.

© Annie Neugebauer Tilton.

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Sober Vampire Spousal Support Group

Originally posted on August 2, 2010 at 2:11 PM

Sober Vampire Spousal Support Group

He came here every Friday night, because it was easy pickings. He could tell the woman was nervous as she twisted the front of her shirt with both fists and announced, “My name is Stella Louise McRae, and I’m in a bloodless marriage.” A murmur of approval rolled through the circle, and she glanced around anxiously, unsure whether to continue. “I… My husband has been sober over three years now, and I’m beginning to resent him for it.” Silence from the group. “I mean, I know he has to do what he has to do, but I remember when we were young and… once a month, when I was on, it was just the most amazing…” her words dried up and an anticipatory shiver ran through the circle, and he knew he would take her home tonight.

© Annie Neugebauer Tilton.

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3 Limericks

Originally posted on July 23, 2009 at 2:40 AM

Buttons the Beast
There once was a kitten named Buttons
who ate everything like a glutton,
at first like a mouse,
she grew large as a house,
and now she eats beef, pork, and mutton.

Zany
There once was a very brave squirrel
who walked up to a very mean girl
who had a big knife,
so he ran for his life,
but now his short tail has no curl.

Haircut
There once was a new college graduate
who couldn’t get her black cap to fit,
so she shaved all her hair,
and all the boys stared…
yes, they went totally mad for it!

© Annie Neugebauer Tilton

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on I am Legend

Originally posted on May 19, 2009 at 1:41 AM

I had the lovely new task today of going to the Denton CAD to contest my property tax increase. They’d raised the appraisal value of our house at above what we paid for it–obviously not market value. So, I called ahead, and they told me that there was about a 2 hour wait, put my name on the list, and to come in after that. I did, and still had to wait 2 more hours. It sucked; I finished my book.

It was I am Legend by Richard Matheson. I was genuinely surprised by how much better it was than the movie. I mean, I didn’t love or hate the movie, so I wasn’t too invested in how the book would turn out. But it actually made me dislike the movie–pushed me right over that edge of indifference.

It’s just that some directors and/or screenwriters don’t seem to get what should be changed and what shouldn’t. I’m going to go ahead and say now that I’m going to give away a lot about the book. Read: SPOILER ALERT. Just stop reading this blog if you plan on ever reading the book.

Okay, really, stop now… If you’re still reading you don’t care and you can’t blame me!

So about what to change and what not to change in a movie. Acceptable: from white, unattractive man to Will Smith. More captivating for audience, for the sake of acting. Unacceptable: from desperate survivor who resorts to studying science texts from the library to the scientist who CAUSED it all. Why change it? Just for the hell of it?

Acceptable: from LA in the 70s to NYC in present-day. More impactful for viewer–doesn’t lose important focus of story. Unacceptable: from heart-wrenching scene where Robert Neville tries to befriend a surviving stray dog to loyal companion had all along. I know the movie would be boring with no interaction at all, but the dog takes up a big portion of the book while still giving a totally different message. The key subject of the book isn’t vampires, disease, or humanity… it’s loneliness. The move loses that with the awesome dog that’s nice all along.

Acceptable: making the ugly old 70s station wagon into a red Ford Shelby Mustang GT500. Hey, some things are just fun. Unacceptable: making the vampires almost mindless animals with no thought-process (minus some basic trickery). The vamps in the book can talk, know his name, walk around outside his fortressed house at night calling to him. Much scarier. Very important detail. You don’t mess with an author’s version of vamps. Trust me.

Acceptable: spiffin’ up the house-setting. More fun to watch. Unacceptable: having Neville’s wife and kid die in an airplane crash rather than from the spread of vampirism. Why do it?

Acceptable: CGI of NYC as emptied and overgrown. Unacceptable: that BS animation of the lions. What the heck? Okay, I know that one didn’t involve the book, but still. The lions in The Lion King looked more realistic than that crap.

Acceptable: making the female pretty and sexually desirable. Unacceptable: CHANGING THE ENTIRE FREAKING ENDING OF THE BOOK! Geeze! What a joke. Not only was the ending different: it was almost the complete opposite! At the end of the movie Robert Neville says “I am legend” because he just saved the remainder of the human race from the vampire virus (which should be a bacteria, btw). At the end of the book, he’s executed by the new civilization of “living vampires” as a terror upon their kind. Not knowing that living vamps and dead vamps were different, he killed all of each kind that he could find during the days. He became like their boogie-man–a slasher that butchered them senselessly in their sleep. Finally, the living vamps develop a pill to take that feeds the bacteria while containing it within the body, effectively neutralizing their vampire qualities. They then execute dead vamps, and finally, the only known human being left: Robert Neville. When he dies, he says, “I am legend,” because he has essentially become to the living vamps what vampires used to be to human kind: mythology, folklore, legend. It is a much, much better ending than the movie.

That all being said, I’m not an extremist in regards to this book or movie. The book has distinct flaws, for me. Too detailed to explain after such a long blog, but they’re there. It’s not a perfect book in my humble opinion. And there are still scenes from the movie that strike a deep chord within me, like the one where they steal that mannequin and place it somewhere else to lure and trap Neville. And the dog relationship was very touching, just completely different than that of the book. I mean, come on people! Just change the characters’ names, give the author “inspired by” credit, and rename the movie! Why lead us on if you’re going to change everything? I feel like all movie-viewers that didn’t read the book have been gypped.

Well, that’s enough of that. As you can see, I feel very passionate about vampire literature. And movies, for that matter. And don’t even try to argue with me that the movie was about zombies. I think most people get that vague impression from the changes in the zombie genre after Matheson’s work. He popularized the concept of apocalypse by disease (a subject very near and dear to my heart), which inspired Romero, who took it and ran with it in Night of the Living Dead. But it’s still vamps. Really. You don’t want to get into that with me.

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Beating around the Bush

Originally posted on May 6, 2009 at 1:48 PM

I remember in my human sexuality class at UT a study that showed that solo masturbation increases sexual desire for a partner, rather than diminishing it. There was one woman’s personal tale of how she told her male gynecologist (back in the day) that she masturbated, and he very sternly told her that that wasn’t fair to her husband, and that she should “save” her sexual energy for him. *insert gasps of outraged disapproval here* Oh, the sixties.

But my point in mentioning this is not to discuss my sex life or even sex in general, it’s to make a very solid comparison. When I first started this blog, I was thinking that it might not work for my job–that it might somehow “use up” my creativity for that day and I’d be unable to write when it came time for the more serious stuff. Fortunately, blogging seems to be a bit like digital masturbation: it stokes the fire, rather than burning it out. I have been more productive with new pieces since blogging than before I started. So here’s to spanking the sausage and remixing with DJ Diddles. (What? You’ve got to have a sense of humor about these things, folks!)

Last night I wrote a poem that I’m really pleased with. It’s the longest rhymed poem I’ve ever written; it’s almost three full pages, and it takes me a little under five minutes to read out loud. I think it would make a wonderful children’s book for older kids (think 4th-6th grade). I want to get it published.

I’ve been dreading the thought of seeking publication for my novel. It is just such an ordeal–such an enormous process. I’m utterly intimidated by the prospect. What if I go to all that work and end up with the wrong company? It’s scary. So, I think I’m going to try to “break the ice” by getting some smaller things published first. Like that poem I mentioned, and one of my pieces of flash fiction, for starters. That way I can kind of learn the ropes and get my feet wet. (Uh-oh. I’m mixing clichés!)

And, if I’m successful, it would look really good for me to have been published before. Just like any other job, most employers want you to have experience before they consider you. It’s hard to convince someone to take that first risk. If someone else has published you, they know that they aren’t crazy and the only person that would ever like your work. That’s why most poets have to get lots of individual poems published in contests, magazines, and anthologies before they can ever get a book of their own stuff published.

But before I can let myself loose in the world of children’s publishers, I have to sit down with this novel passage that I’ve been avoiding. It needs fixin’, and I don’t know how to do it. Time to quit putting it off and dig in.

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