How to Put a Positive Spin on Your Worst Qualities (i.e.: How to Write a Eulogy for a Horrible Person) (i.e.: How to Beef up Your Resume)

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Originally posted on January 31, 2011 at 7:20 PM

So maybe your mean old great aunt Georgia died, and you somehow got stuck with giving the ten-minute eulogy in the form of a poem. Or say you’re creating an online dating profile. Or maybe you don’t have enough positive attributes to fill out a job application. Or perhaps you just want to make yourself feel better through good old-fashioned denial. Well, my friend, you’ve come to the right place.

If you’re Say you
loud-mouthed are not afraid to speak your mind
a bitch stand up for yourself
*selfish are goal oriented
greedy appreciate the beauty in objects around you
an animal hoarder are an animal lover
abusive have a firm hand
mean are honest
a zealot have a healthy fear of god
lazy are laid-back
a smartass are snarky
indecisive consider all of your options
proud are confident
vain take care of the temple which is the body
*bossy are a natural-born leader
snooty have great taste
careless are care-free
insensitive practice tough love
*arrogant are proud of your achievements
cowardly take caution
oblivious are innocent
jealous see the good in others (and want it)
cheap are thrifty
gluttonous love fine cuisine
lustful are smoking hot
*stubborn stand firm in what you believe in
dishonest are clever
nosey take a keen interest in those around you
short-tempered are passionate
argumentative love a good debate
*introverted are thoughtful
stupid lead a simple life
*oversensitive are sensitive

So how ‘bout it, did you think of some I left out? And do you see yourself in any of these? (Now, chances are that if you’ve gotten to the end of this list and don’t recognize yourself in at least a handful of them, you’re rather oblivi—I mean innocent. Yeah. That’s the word.)

*’s equal the worst of my sins. For the sake of not *ing them all, I limited it to 6. But feel free to asterisk as many as you’d like mentally, you meanie—I mean, er… honest person.

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The 3 Best Naps of All (my) Time (so far)

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Originally posted on February 11, 2011 at 3:55 PM

If you asked me what one thing in the world was my favorite, I would probably tell you a lie. Like maybe my husband or my cat or my friends or my family or my craft. Although close contenders, none of those would be entirely true. The real answer is sleep. I like sleep more than I like anything else on this earth. More than cuddling, more than scary movies, more than cute little owls wearing hats, even more than raspberry Hershey’s hugs piled so high they overflow the bowl. Srsly.

And I don’t know what it is about it, but I think most people would agree that naps are better than a regular night’s sleep. Although that’s good too. To quote a comedian I once heard, the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is, “Oh my god, I can’t wait to do that again.” But there’s something special about the nap, in particular, as a form of sleep. Maybe it’s the daylight streaming in the window. Maybe it’s the forbiddeness of doing nothing for a couple of hours out of your busy day. Or maybe it’s just the novelty of sleeping on the sofa instead of in bed. Either way, naps are the bomb.

So I’ve decided to count down the 3 best naps I’ve ever had. Here we go.

3. The dark and silent luxury in the Bahamas

If you’ve ever been on a cruise ship, you know that the rooms are small and dim. The boat is rocking like a giant pair of arms soothing a baby to sleep. The sea air is warm and calming. And the blankets are hotel-thick and softer than a pile of puppies. Ideal napping conditions. When Hub-a-dub and I were on our honeymoon (a cruise to the Bahamas), we were both pretty exhausted. Right after the wedding, plus so many fabulous events and shows to go to and enjoy. Fun can be exhausting, you know.

So one day, when there weren’t any events I was particularly thrilled about, I asked Kyle if I could just stay in the room and take a nap while he went out and ate or drank or gambled or played miniature golf or whatever. I got two hours in the cabin to myself. It was pitch black, warm, heavy, and rocking like an oversized cradle. I can’t imagine that whatever Kyle did was as good for him as that nap was for me. It was pretty damn good. It’s some of the best sleep I’ve ever had.

2. The Benadryl-ridden haze in Austin

I lived by myself for a year and half in Austin while I was going to school. I had a little efficiency apartment that was totally awesome. It was so small that I got a loft bed from IKEA so I could have room for a little loveseat and a desk down below. I really liked it. What I did not like was how bad my allergies were in Austin. The time I have in mind was during the summer, and I had recently decided that getting allergy shots wasn’t worth the money and hassle. Clearly, a horrible mistake.

For the span of about a week, I ended up taking 2 Benadryl every 4 hours just to be able to breathe and keep my eyes from swelling shut. At this time, I did not know that one of the side-effects of Benadryl was drowsiness. I had to go to my summer classes. I’ve never been the type of person to fall asleep in class, but man I came close that day. I was literally nodding my head down and then jerking it up as I realized I was starting to sleep. When I got home, I crashed onto my loveseat in spite of all of my homework and things I needed to do, and fell into the deepest, heaviest sleep I’ve ever experienced. When I woke up three hours later after the drug had worn off, my notes from class were all gibberish (seriously, the writings of a madman), but hot damn, that was a good nap.

1. The snuggly 16 hour snooze-fest in Amsterdam

Hub-a-dub and I (back when he was just A-dub) went to Europe for Spring Break one year on a college tour. The flight to Amsterdam was something like 12 hours long. I can’t sleep on planes. At all. When we landed, it was morning there, and we had a whole day of fun scheduled. Jet lag much?

When we finally got to our hostel early that evening – which we were told would be a hotel – we discovered that the room for 2 we requested had bunk beads. Lol. Not quite what we were imagining for our romantic getaway. We were supposed to get ready for the factory tour and the following group dinner. We decided we would rather sneak in a little nap and just meet up for dinner. So we both wedged ourselves onto the bottom bunk, which was up against a window-unit. The heat was rattling out, and we spooned under a big comfy blanket, and when the alarm went off, it felt like we were wrapped in a little heated cocoon.

Kyle turned to me and mumbled groggily, “Wanna just sleep through?” And I rolled over and said, “Yes.” We reset our alarm for early the next morning, skipped dinner, and didn’t wake up until the sun had set and re-risen. It was intensely awesome. And plus, after that, we were the only ones on the trip who didn’t fight jetlag the whole time. Bonus.

And those are the 3 naps that rocked my world. How about you, do you have any memorable naps?

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The Seven (Not So) Deadly Sins of Writers

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Originally posted on February 9, 2011 at 3:25 PM

In descending order of least deadly to most deadly, the seven deadly sins of those who possess the oats to calleth themselves “writers.”

7. Pride

“She holdeth her head higher than the sludge around her, for she art but vain.” –Shakesmear*

Let’s face it: pride is the least of the sins, because quite frankly, all writers have this. What besides a desperate belief that your ideas are worthy would possess someone to write them down? Carry on. As you were.

6. Gluttony

“He eateth like a pig.” –Shakesmear

The writer faces not the avarice of the stomach, but the avarice of the ego. We are all gluttons for an audience (read attention), and I doubt that we shall die from it.

5. Lechery

“And in the womb a fiery tug begins, like the unraveling of an endless spool of yarn.” –Shakesmear

Ah, the lust for words. This sin is fine in moderation – nay, healthy even – when a writer delves into books and dictionaries in quest for the most perfect, the most beautiful of words. But let this sin rule your life, and you’ll soon find yourself the most haughty of creatures, heaping the sexiest of words into your work until you become the admired, the feared, the dreaded… pompous jackass.

4. Avarice

“But lo! The possessions of a worldly king are not enough. Only little minds seek more.” –Shakesmear

The lowest of creatures at the writers’ table. This covetous being demands critiques and suggestions and services, but gives nothing in return. A sister devil includes the writer unwilling to help those around her with hits, plugs, and promotion out of the idea that more for thou art less for me.

3. Wrath

“She rages! She storms! She tremors! She poops.” –Shakesmear

The rageful writer is the only speck of good in a sea of wrong. Rejections come from idiotic agents and editors, critiques are spoken by blasted fools, and every rolling thought, like vomit, gets spewed onto the public blog in all its fury.

2. Envy

“For the wicked woman looks at another’s things and says not, ‘How lovely,’ but, ‘I want that.’” –Shakesmear

The bane of any writing community, the envious artist slinks around like a snake, pretending to be a friendly admirer but secretly wishing ill and striking when the time is right. Watch your back (and your ankles); this sinner will rejoice at all of your failures.

1. Sloth

“Indeed, I layeth me down and took a nap.” –Shakesmear

Six fatal sins have preceded us, but sloth is the deadliest of all. For what writer has the right to call himself a writer if he doth not write? Only the idlest of us pretends the writer’s lifestyle but fails to fulfill the requirements of the word.

For shame, sinners, on your knees then!

It’s okay. Even if you suffer from all of these deadly sins, you’ll probably make it. It’s not too late to repent. In that light, I’d like to leave you with this inspirational quote: “You can do it; put your back into it.” –Ice Cube

 

*Shakesmear is entirely made up; I am Shakesmear. He is simply a convenient way to create quotes that exactly suit my purposes (and to avoid looking up actual quotes). Clever, huh?

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The Girl Who Changed the Weather

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Originally posted on February 5, 2011 at 4:15 PM

I’ve never claimed this to be anything but guts on the table, after all.

I’ve always been a big believer in/supporter of pathetic fallacy, probably because of my background in literature. Now whether I truly let the weather influence my moods or if there’s some sort of fate or chance or spirit involved in this… well, I suppose that’s up for grabs as much as any subjective belief is. But no matter how you slice it, the weather and I seem to have an empathy.

 

In spite of all my education and logic, there’s always an initial resistance to admitting I’m struggling with depression. As soon as I’m aware of that thought, I tell someone. There’s no reasonable shame in the fact that I’m going through or have just gone through one of the darkest points in my life.

It doesn’t matter what brought it on; actual events have little to no bearing on my emotional obstinacy, which, of course, infuriates a logic-driven mind such as mine. How I am at the same time one of the most overemotional and reasonable people I’ve ever met is beyond me, but there it is. A conundrum wrapped up in a fragile shell called skin.

Somehow, my despair brought on the snow. Didn’t you know this? The seven inches or so of snow we’ve gotten in Denton over the past week was all me. It would seem. Because as I dropped off into a black hole of depression, sleeping as much as I could to avoid being awake, it began to snow. After those first insensible 48 hours of sobbing every waking minute and not being able to eat or think clearly, there was a fluffy white blanket sealing the ground off from reality. It cocooned us at home for the next five days, wrapped us in a shell that kept us from the outside world.

As more and more snow fell, I began to be okay. I discovered that reading was a great way to keep from thinking, much as sleeping is, so I finished five novels in as many days. In its own strange sort of way, this became a wonderfully enjoyable time for me, like a bubble of fiction in the middle of real life. Somehow, I began to heal – no, not heal. I began to let myself feel. To acknowledge that I was wounded and that I might always be wounded and that wounds take time to heal. And that’s okay.

Yesterday was the last day we got snow. I returned to working on my novel, which had miraculously untangled itself in my absence, and felt both an aching hollowness and a sense of overflowing with something intangible. I always feel this, to some degree. I think I always have.

So now I sit in my office, a place I avoided steadfastly for six days, and look out my window.

The snow is melting.

Bit by bit, the white coating is dissolving into the ground to reveal the earth that’s underneath. That has been underneath, hidden, for a week now. But only now, I’m ready to see it.

When the snow melts completely away, don’t be too surprised if the ground beneath it is bleeding.

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In Defense of Daily Quotas

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Originally posted on January 26, 2011 at 9:35 PM

A writer friend of mine has thrown out some excellent writing metaphorage in reference to marathons vs. sprints. But to play the devil’s advocate…

The quota works for some people. Namely, me. And as much as “mull it over” writers might hate to believe it, I don’t think my 2,000 words a day are shit. Some days, sure, but everyone has those days – sprinters, marathoners, walkers, and cab-takers alike. Everyone. Saying that people who write more daily don’t write as well as people who write less every few days is like saying that people who run the marathon faster didn’t run it as well as the people who ran it slow. They all ran it, right? As long as you don’t quit, who cares how long it took?

There’s a reason that sitting down every day to write a quota with *almost* no exceptions works. Any (non-metaphor) runner will tell you, you have to get over the hump. Every level of runner hits it at a different place, just as some writers might feel exhausted after 300 words and others after 3,000, but every long-distance anything hits it. If you quit there, your endurance never builds, nor your skills. You’re running and for the first however many miles your body just goes, “Nope. This is madness. I refuse to participate in this senseless torture.” But if you ignore your body and just freaking run, it eventually gives in and you can run for miles. Miles and miles more than you thought you could. And every time you do that, your hump gets further along. Your endurance builds.

If you write every single day, your “muse” (whether you believe in that term or not) learns to show up. That part of your brain that produces new, creative sentences gets used to it and starts storing creativity at a faster rate. This is helpful. It means that when you want to write you can sit down and, without thinking for hours and hours first, have something ready to go. Mental note-taking becomes automatic. If you don’t write every day, which plenty of writers don’t, it’s not bad, just harder. You sit down and your muse is MIA. You have to go chase her down the rabbit hole just to put down a page or two. And argue as you will, that page or two is unlikely to be any better or worse than any page or two of a daily quota writer.

Trust me, I’ve been both.

I like to think of the daily quota as me and my muse having a running date. Every once in a while I might not show up, and every once in a while she stays in bed, but most days, we know where to meet. At the keyboard.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a proponent of breaks when one’s feeling worn-down. Muse vacations, if you will. Any writer who focuses too much on the word count for the sake of the word count has got the wrong priority. Quality over quantity is something I think we can all agree on. But there’s no reason that one has to negate the other. There’s just not. I don’t have a certain amount of “good” writing in me per day that I run out of and keep going. It’s just about effort. Are you willing to put in the effort to make your writing strong, or not? Are you willing to (forgive me) go the extra mile? First draft or fiftieth, seat-of-the-pantsers or plotters, walkers or sprinters, we all want it. All dedicated writers want it. When it comes down to it, at least in the writing metaphor, speed has nothing at all to do with a marathon. Dedication does. And I think, in spite of technique differences, we can agree on that.

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