Remembering Bus 47

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Annie Neugebauer

I am up uncharacteristically early (seriously, before 8am of my own volition, what the heck?), and as I lay in bed pondering the oddness of this occurrence, I heard a sound that I haven’t noticed in years. Just like the smell of cherry-flavored Chapstick (dang it, Katy Perry, you have tainted that for all of us), this sound instantly flooded me with memories. It was the distinctly high-pitched screech of school bus brakes at the top of our street.

How many of you just heard it in your head? I don’t even have to describe it. If you rode the bus, you know. Oh my gosh, The Bus. It seems like it should be capitalized. If you don’t hurry up, we’re going to miss The Bus.

When I was young, we lived in a typical neighborhood where the bus stopped right in front of our driveway. Riding the bus back then was exciting, because my very bestest friend in the whole wide world rode the same bus as I did, and it gave us an extra thirty minutes to make up patty-cake rhymes and giggle about boys.

I guess then my mom was in charge of making my brother and I get out to the driveway in time, because I don’t remember it ever being much of an ordeal. There was one time, though, that the bus driver passed us even though she could see us running for it. My mom chased her down and gave her a good talking to. I remember because when she drove away, she used her handheld radio to talk to another bus driver. “Dude,” she said, “some crazy lady just chewed me out.” I purportedly piped up, “Hey! That crazy lady is my mom!” although I still suspect that I might have just wished I had the courage to do that.

When we were older my family moved to a different neighborhood that was more out in the country. It was residential enough to have a bus route, but there were no sidewalks or streetlights and most of the lots were at least an acre. Catching the bus back then was a quite a different story.

Ah, Bus 47. How you elude me still.

As you can imagine, our neighborhood was much too spread out to warrant a stop at the end of each driveway. In fact, our driveway was the only one on our entire side of the street. And it was a long street. Which, in turn, meant that we couldn’t just run out the door once we heard those trusty old brakes. Heck, our gravel driveway alone was a significant trek. We had to – gasp – actually be ready at the end of our street at 7:15. (Come to think of it, I think this might be why I have such an aversion to waking up early.)

Which, by the time I was a teenager with the frizziest hair that ever, ever existed (This was before straightening irons and the knowledge that you don’t brush curly hair. Seriously, in one of my school yearbook photos my hair was bigger than the box allowed to me.), was easier said than done. I can remember many a morning when my brother and I heard the brakes several streets down, looked at each other in horror, and ran. Sometimes I didn’t have my shoes on yet, forgot my backpack, or whatever, and my brother would run ahead to make the driver wait for me.

Those were good times. But actually, there was a sort of fierce glee in getting there just in time to make the bus – or even better, just in time to make it wait for you. It meant we didn’t have to stand there shivering. And since my brother refused to wear long pants unless it was below 40 degrees, there was a lot of shivering. Although, of course, this was a risky move on our part. Get there even fifteen seconds late and we had to make the walk of shame back to the house to ask Mom for a ride.

By the time we were in high school, which bus driver we had became exceptionally important. Namely, as a matter of status amongst other bus-goers (bus 63, in particular, was stiff competition). What you wanted back then was a young, attractive bus driver who was just a little lax with the rules. You didn’t want one too lax with the rules, because then they might miss your stop on purpose or ignore bullying when you were the victim, but a little lax allowed for cursing, standing up, and eating missed breakfasts. And most importantly, the cool bus drivers chose the cool radio stations. I.e., alternative rock. The lame bus drivers listened to oldies, NPR, or – God help us – country. Which is funny, since we actually lived in the country and I’m pretty sure 80% of us secretly loved country music. But hey, no one needed to know that.

I remember the ever-sticky floors, the smell and give of the leather seats, the way the fabric would stick to your legs in the summer. I remember how the windows stuck and there was always one or two people that everyone would ask to get theirs – the sound of them sliding down and slamming up. I remember slouching down to put my knees up on the back of the seat in front of me, and dreading the days when my seat-mate didn’t ride. Not that she was that great; she used to comment on everything from how often I shaved my legs to the brands of my clothes, but hey, she was familiar at least.

I learned a lot on the bus, mostly about people. I mixed with a whole different crowd of kids than the ones in my classes, and man did they know a lot more about sex than I did. They could talk a big talk, anyway. And they knew all the good cuss words, too.

By sophomore year, when kids started turning 16, The Bus became indescribably lame – no matter how cool the driver. Luckily, I was so active on my dance team, which had before- and sometimes after-school practice, that I really did need a car for my parents’ sake. So I got to drive to school and forget about the bus. Which I did quite successfully, until this morning when I happened to be lying in bed just as one braked at the end of our street, ready to drive a new load of kids down future memory-lane.

So what about you? Did you ride the bus? Are there sounds like bus brakes that send you immediately reminiscing? Smells that take you back?

And, of course, most importantly, which bus did you ride?

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25 Beautiful Unique Book Titles

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Annie Neugebauer

Titles are very important to me. For poems and stories, I like it when the title adds something to the piece itself rather than labeling. Labeling is effective for essays and sometimes novels (to a lesser degree), but for short, creative pieces, I like to take advantage of that extra line to do something special to the piece. I’m fond of one-word titles that have multiple meanings (maybe as both a noun and verb, for example). I also like it when a poem is about something without ever telling you what it is, but then the title does.

Titles are fun tools, and I wish more writers used them to their full advantage. So many times it seems like a quick afterthought. If the title doesn’t seem perfect, I’m dissatisfied – including my own titles.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to use as a working title for my new horror manuscript, and I keep drawing blanks. Working titles are often changed in the end anyway, but I’d still like to have a good one. It affects the way I think of the book as I’m writing it. And if it’s really good, it might stick around all the way to the end.

In an attempt to unblock my title impasse, I decided to make a list of all of my favorite book titles. It hasn’t helped yet, but it sure was fun. =) Here they are, in no particular order, with a few notes of my own:

1. The Forest of Hands and Teeth, Carrie Ryan
This title is actually why I first picked up the book.

2. Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury
This is a phrase from Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “By the pricking of my thumbs / Something wicked this way comes.”

3. *Where the Sea Breaks Its Back, Corey Ford

4. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë

5. ‘Salem’s Lot, Stephen King
Originally titled Second Coming, but later changed to Jerusalem’s Lot, and finally shortened to its final version to avoid sounding “too religious.”

6. *Exactly Where They’d Fall, Laura Rae Amos
This book isn’t actually out yet, but I had to include it. Even if I wasn’t online friends with the author, I would buy it for its title alone.

7. The October Country, Ray Bradbury

8. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
This is a phrase from Robert Burns’s poem “To a Mouse,” which reads: “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft agley.” (The best laid schemes of mice and men / Often go awry.)

9. *House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski

10. Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhys
The Sargasso Sea is a region in the middle of the North Atlantic where several major ocean currents deposit their debris. Sargassum is a type of floating seaweed. This is a literary “prequel” to Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre.

11. The Dead-Tossed Waves, Carrie Ryan
What can I say? She’s good at titles.

12. *No Country for Old Men, Cormac McCarthy

13. It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It, Robert Fulghum
The author of the collection, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, which was also a clever title until everyone beat it to death.

14. Who Will Run the Frog Hospital? Lorrie Moore

15. *Full Dark, No Stars, Stephen King

16. The Lives of the Heart, Jane Hirshfield

17. The Art of Drowning, Billy Collins

18. *Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul, Douglas Adams

19. A Ring of Endless Light, Madeleine L’Engle

20. The Radiance of Pigs, Stan Rice
Random fact: Stan Rice (deceased) was Anne Rice’s husband.

21. Pale Fire, Vladimir Nabokov
This is a phrase from Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens: “The moon’s an arrant thief, / And her pale fire she snatches from the sun.”

22. *Silence of the Lambs, Thomas Harris

23. Queen of the Damned, Anne Rice

24. The Crying of Lot 49, Thomas Pynchon
Auction items are called “lots.” The auctioneer is said to “cry” a lot when he takes bids on it. This novel ends with the crying of lot number 49. But it’s not as dull as it sounds, it ties into the plot, which is not about auctions at all.

25. The Sky is Everywhere, Jandy Nelson
I must say, this book is even more beautiful than the title – a rare find.

*Denotes books I haven’t read yet.

As you can see, for novels and book-length works I tend to lean toward long, phrasal, and poetic titles. They just really grab my attention and then stick with me. Not to mention that they whisper, “The writing inside is just as good.”

I want a title like that for my new WIP (work in progress). Maybe you can help me get new ideas. What are some of your favorite book titles?

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Disagreeing with Books: Writer Responsibility and Reader Accountability

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Annie Neugebauer

“There is no such thing as a moral book or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all.” –Oscar Wilde

By far, the blog of mine that has gotten the largest, most passionate and intelligent reactions has been “Why I’m Tired of People Ragging on Twilight.” Comments ranged: gleeful agreement and support of my guts in approaching such a volatile topic, carefully-worded debate, and emotionally-charged (dare I call them?) accusations. I disagreed with many comments, but I could see the logic and thought behind all of them. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the comments on that post, I think they’re well worth a read.

But one thing, the main thing, that I kept coming back to as I read these comments was the concept of censorship and author responsibility. No matter what someone’s thoughts were on the messages in Twilight, the end result was the same: holding Stephenie Meyer accountable for sending said messages.

Admittedly, there is a difference between censoring and judging... for most people.

I saw a contradiction there. Since I follow and am followed primarily by other writers on Twitter (who are unfailingly also readers), I tweeted the following:

@AnnieNeugebauer When you write a character, do you have them make the choices that “send the right message” or that they would most realistically make? Or do you only write characters who make choices that teach morals? And does that answer change if you write YA instead of adult?

All of the writers who answered chose “realistic characters” over “creating morals,” even for young adult books. And yet… so many people complain when they disagree with the message of a book.

The only explanation I could think of was that there is a disconnect between reading and writing. As writers, we all have different goals. Some people want to uplift and enlarge the lives of their readers. Some want to show life as it truly is. Some just want to entertain. And as readers, our wants vary too. We want to learn, be entertained, be challenged, and see ourselves deeply reflected in characters we love. Somewhere between the two, our expectations must shift.

So where’s that line? What changes between a writer and a reader? What are the expectations of both, and more importantly, who is ultimately responsible? And does the answer vary depending on the level of morality being challenged by a book? What about the type of morality? Wuthering Heights is often accused of romanticizing destructive love. A Clockwork Orange purportedly caused copycat crimes of rape and beatings. Lolita looks at the world through the eyes of a pedophile protagonist. And American Psycho was so controversial that Bret Easton Ellis received death threats over it (ironic, no?).

Droogs: product of literary genius, encouragement for young people to rape and murder, or source of awesome Halloween costumes?

How many people have these books negatively influenced? And would those people have made similar choices eventually even if they had never read the books? Of course, no one can know these answers.

Personally, I will never agree that writers are responsible for readers’ beliefs. That’s just how I feel. I am 100% against censorship. Now, that doesn’t mean I like the messages in all books. Obviously, I don’t. There are some themes in the Twilight series that I strongly disagree with. Just because I don’t believe the books should be censored or that Meyer should be held responsible for readers’ choices doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me that so many young women are possibly being influenced by her messages. It does. It really does.

And my answer thus far leans toward guardian responsibility: parents of young teens should talk to their children about the messages in the books. But what about kids who don’t have such involved, responsible parents? I don’t know. I’m really asking. It’s not an easy question to answer. Should all people be censored because some people might be negatively affected by something? I don’t think so, but I do feel sad for those young women (and men).

To equate (and perhaps conflate) one morally controversial topic with another, it’s sort of like the old saying, “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” To which many have quite snarkily replied… but the guns sure make it easier. Ever tried pointing a finger-gun at someone and saying bang? Not quite the same effect. And yet the right to bear arms is one of Americans’ fundamental (though controversial) freedoms – one that I strongly agree with. So there’s a conundrum. I dislike guns, but believe in people’s right to own and use them.

Yeah... crazy mother fuckers with guns.

Twilight doesn’t cause young women to make harmful choices. I have to believe that. It is one of my strongest principles that young people deserve respect. Respect comes with responsibility. And I believe all people, even impressionable young people, must take responsibility for their own morality. You can’t blame your bad choices on a book.

But maybe I believe this because I am a writer, and I sympathize with authors who stand accused. What’s more, I’m a horror writer. I write about some really, really bad people. Perhaps one could argue that I’m simply protecting myself from potential future reader accusations. I want to be able to write about evil, deeply flawed characters, and poor choices without the burden of guilt riding me like the weight of the world. I think, to some degree, we all choose our morals based on what allows us to live the life we want to live. Maybe I’m just in denial.

What do you think? And do your opinions shift when you answer the question as a reader and as a writer? What about as a parent? Where, for you, does author responsibility end and reader accountability begin?

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2011, The Year of Almosts. 2012, The Year of Hell Yeahs.

Posted on December 26, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

Looking back, I find that I have succeeded with my New Year’s resolutions for the past two years.

In 2010, I wrote: “I want to be published. Technically, my goal for myself is to be under contract or published in at least one way. Poetry, short story, novel, whatever. Published or on the way there. It’s happening. This year. I can feel it.” I got my first micro fiction and poetry published by the end of the year, technically fulfilling that goal – even though in all honesty I deep down meant a novel and/or book of poetry.

In 2011, I wrote: “Even though I’ll (not so) secretly be meaning a novel again, this year I resolve to have a piece of flash or short fiction published or under contract by 2012.” I have had one flash fiction and three short stories published this year. I’d say that counts. Success.

But no novel. No book.

This past year brought a lot of “almost” successes. I placed second in the Poetry Society of Texas manuscript contest – which means I almost got a book of poetry published. I had several different agents tell me that they were “back and forth” or “on the fence” about my horror manuscript, but they ultimately passed. And just yesterday I got a personal rejection letter from one of my most admired literary magazines telling me that my submission took so long because they liked my poems a lot and sent them through more rounds of consideration. They admired my work, almost accepted some, but said not this time.

Almost. I’m beginning to really hate that word.

It’s so bittersweet. On the one hand, it’s enormously complimentary. My book of poetry was one of the best. Agents gave me heaps of praise with their no’s. And according to at least some industry professionals, my poems rank up there with well-established poets that I really admire. How could I not be flattered?

And yet, of course, almost is not quite a yes. In fact, it’s quite definitely a no.

So that brings me to 2012. What will be my goals this year? I want to find an agent I love for my novels. And I want to get under contract for one of my poetry manuscripts. But mostly, and perhaps most importantly, I want to escape the almosts. I want to turn them into absolutely-freaking-yeses.

So I’ll try harder. Keep improving. I’m obviously on the right track. I just need to be patient, take my time polishing things and finding the perfect people to send them to, and make them completely irresistible. Screw knocking their socks off; I want to knock their freaking pants off. Metaphorically, of course. It’s a big goal.

But that’s just how I am. If I’m going to set a goal, I’m going to set it high. Aim small, miss small, remember?

What are your resolutions for 2012?

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Passages Malibu Alcohol Rehab and Drug Addiction Treatment & Blue Cross, Blue Shield Anthem Medical Insurance

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Annie Neugebauer

NOTE: I am astounded by the number of patients, family members, and past employees of Passages who continue to reach out to me with their own personal stories. Thank you all so much for your condolences, support, and suggestions. However, due to my family’s resolution of the issue, I am no longer seeking advice, and am therefore closing comments on this post. To find out what happened with this whole mess, please see my follow-up post, “Love, Closure, and What It Feels Like to Give Up.” I wish you all healing, love, and progress with your own personal closure. Thank you.

*

This is a cry for help.

There is no way to keep the emotion out of this blog post. My hands are already trembling, even as I’m thinking, “Don’t make it too long or you’ll lose people.” But the only way to ‘summarize’ something that’s incredibly, deeply painful is to do so brutally. Here’s the black and white of it, *as best I can manage:

In February of 2008, my brother and I sent our alcoholic father to a fancy, expensive rehab center in California. Passages Malibu was not a decision we came upon lightly. And I hate to talk money, because money is not what it’s about, but money is what it came to, so I’m not going to shy away from it. My dad was wealthy. We were able to afford this using his money. His disease had gotten so severe that I knew he was going to die soon. I even have a letter I sent him saying so – an eerie foreshadowing that the deepest part of my heart already knew. I even listed killing himself as one of the things I feared. And I was right. My dad committed suicide. But I’ll get to that later.

What I’m trying to say is this: my brother and I were out of hope. We were desperate. We were losing more and more of Dad every day, and we’d tried everything. Seriously, everything we could think of. He’d been in and out of multiple rehab programs in Texas. In-patient, out-patient. Doctors, hospitals. Jail. We’d tried moving in and babying him. Moving out and letting him “learn the hard way.” I mean we tried everything. At least I will always have that. That and the fact that through it all, even the darkest moments of our lives, we bathed him with love. Unconditionally.

In the midst of this despair, we came across something different. Something that wasn’t 12-step. I mean, 12-step hadn’t worked for years, so the fact that this new program hinged on a different foundation seemed promising. We read The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure by Chris Prentiss. It seemed like The Answer. It seemed like a brilliant light on dark seas. It seemed like the only chance we had left to save him.

I knew it was risky. Although Passages boasted an 85% “cure rate” while most rehabs have an 85% relapse rate, that still left the potential that Dad could be in the other 15%. And it was out of state, which made me sad to think of – not seeing him at all for a full month. Plus it was ridiculously expensive. Including the $5,000 intervention fee, we paid over $72,000. Yes, you read that right. Seventy-two THOUSAND dollars. It seems extreme, but the way we saw it: Dad had the money. He was dying. He couldn’t use the money if he was dead. What else was he saving it for? So we could inherit it when he died? We’d rather have him. So we paid. I took out a loan just to cover the reservation.**

After the intervention, Dad checked into Passages on February 24, 2008. He was released with a clean bill of (physical and mental) health on March 28, 2008.

He drank the day he got home.

He was worse than ever. He stopped going to work. He got in a car accident (didn’t hurt anyone, thank God) in May and was sent to jail for 2 ½ weeks. He “retired” from his job of 24 years, which he loved. When he got out of jail, a forced 18 days sober, he sounded staggering drunk. I believe he had developed Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome, better known as “wet brain” disease – but we will never know for sure. I knew, though, that he would not get better this time.

But you can never truly give up on someone you love. We scheduled him for another rehab center – this time a 12-step in-patient facility in Texas. He was signed up to go in on June 19, 2008. On June 18, he shot himself in the head.

I’m skipping it. All of it. The grief, the pain, the emotional trauma. The will, the readying and selling of his house – my childhood home. The life insurance, the inheritance, the splitting and selling of his things. His clothes. His truck. I’m skipping everything, because that’s not what this blog is about.

This blog is about Passages Malibu and Blue Cross Blue Shield health insurance. I feel that we were scammed by the first and wronged by the second.

It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost four years since Passages and we still have not received a dime of our insurance money for Dad’s treatment. But there are two issues at play here, and I will try not to confuse the two.

1) Blue Cross will not cover the portion of Dad’s treatment that I believe they should cover. In fact, they won’t cover any of it. The rejected our claim (after dicking us around for years). And I quote, “At the time, there was no indication you had such severe symptoms of withdrawal, co-morbid disease, or other impairments that you required a monitored setting to treat your substance use disorder. You did not have a severe medical disorder for which you needed constant supervision while you received treatment for your addiction.”

Three general physicians with constant (failed) treatment, a psychologist, three emergency hospital trips, and countless attempts at both in- and out-patient rehab clinics apparently doesn’t cut it. They just don’t want to pay. And the real kicker? I don’t think they would have treated my dad like this. I think they’re taking advantage of the fact that my brother and I are young and we don’t know what to do. If Dad were here, this would be over by now.

2) Passages did nothing to help my dad. After dad got out and drank, one of my family members called them about his relapse. Their response was that Dad had been, “beyond help” when he got to Passages.

Beyond help? Beyond help? Then why did you take his $68,000 dollars? Because they wanted the money, is all I can see. They knew they couldn’t help him, but they admitted him anyway. And when he wasn’t better at the end of 30 days, instead of holding him longer or suggesting further care, they let him go and said he was fine. They released him knowing he was still ill. He needed help, and they didn’t care enough to give it. And now he’s dead.

How is that not a scam? At the very least, it is a despicable level of neglect.

So what is my point? Why am I writing this? It has been indescribably painful to type this up, and I’m sure it will be even harder to post for the world to see.

I need your help. I can’t do this alone. My brother and I are hurt, exhausted, and quite frankly, scared. I’m afraid of messing something up and getting caught in legal technicalities. I’m afraid to go to a lawyer because I’m afraid we’ll just get taken advantage of again. I need advice. Please, tell me what to do.

Here’s what I’m asking:

Of Passages: We want a full refund and an apology. We want to be treated with respect. And we want you to stop taking advantage of families of people you know you can’t help.

Of Blue Cross: We want the rightful percentage of coverage for our father’s treatment. We want responses that don’t try to drown us in jargon. And we want to stop be transferred to empty departments and getting “called right back” months later.

Of you- my family, friends, readers, and strangers: I need advice. I need suggestions, trust-worthy resources to go to, and help. I feel like I’m totally alone and fighting a useless battle. It’s only partially about the money. We’ve always lived humbly and I’m perfectly happy that way. I have no problem paying my dues.

It’s mostly about the principle, as cliché as it sounds. It’s unfair to allow these huge companies to get away with ripping us off royally just because we’re two young adults with no idea what to do. It’s not right. And as silly as it may sound, they’ve hurt my feelings. I do everything in my life with integrity, honesty, and trust. The fact that anyone else wouldn’t – even big companies like these – seems like a personal insult. They need to make it right. And I’m going to do everything I can to make them make it right. And to prevent others from falling into the trap that we’ve fallen into. But I need your help.

What should I do?

Thank you all for your love, support, suggestions, and time. And I’m sorry to my family for bringing up painful memories. You guys have been so wonderful.

Here’s hoping that your holidays are happier than mine.

*This blog post is the truth as I have experienced it. To the best of my knowledge, everything is accurate, but it is all from my point of view.

**I should mention that we did do our research before we jumped into Passages with both feet. We read reviews, searched the web, checked them on rehab lists, and confirmed their Better Business Bureau status. They were hard to find as they are under “Grasshopper House, LLC,” but once we did we found that they have no complaints against them since their joining in 2002 – and still don’t.

I have intended all along to file a formal BBB complaint against them, but was afraid of running into the “spit in your food” phenomenon (shooting myself in the foot). I think it’s time though, seeing as nothing is happening anyway. Would we have done something differently if we’d seen a complaint like this when we searched? I don’t know. But you can bet that I’m going to file one.

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