How to Put a Positive Spin on Your Worst Qualities (i.e.: How to Write a Eulogy for a Horrible Person) (i.e.: How to Beef up Your Resume)

Originally posted on January 31, 2011 at 7:20 PM

So maybe your mean old great aunt Georgia died, and you somehow got stuck with giving the ten-minute eulogy in the form of a poem. Or say you’re creating an online dating profile. Or maybe you don’t have enough positive attributes to fill out a job application. Or perhaps you just want to make yourself feel better through good old-fashioned denial. Well, my friend, you’ve come to the right place.

If you’re Say you
loud-mouthed are not afraid to speak your mind
a bitch stand up for yourself
*selfish are goal oriented
greedy appreciate the beauty in objects around you
an animal hoarder are an animal lover
abusive have a firm hand
mean are honest
a zealot have a healthy fear of god
lazy are laid-back
a smartass are snarky
indecisive consider all of your options
proud are confident
vain take care of the temple which is the body
*bossy are a natural-born leader
snooty have great taste
careless are care-free
insensitive practice tough love
*arrogant are proud of your achievements
cowardly take caution
oblivious are innocent
jealous see the good in others (and want it)
cheap are thrifty
gluttonous love fine cuisine
lustful are smoking hot
*stubborn stand firm in what you believe in
dishonest are clever
nosey take a keen interest in those around you
short-tempered are passionate
argumentative love a good debate
*introverted are thoughtful
stupid lead a simple life
*oversensitive are sensitive

So how ‘bout it, did you think of some I left out? And do you see yourself in any of these? (Now, chances are that if you’ve gotten to the end of this list and don’t recognize yourself in at least a handful of them, you’re rather oblivi—I mean innocent. Yeah. That’s the word.)

*’s equal the worst of my sins. For the sake of not *ing them all, I limited it to 6. But feel free to asterisk as many as you’d like mentally, you meanie—I mean, er… honest person.

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  • Randy

    Thanks I am trying to write a living eulogy for my mom and your list made it easier. I gave it the title of gifts from my mom and I figure she should hear it while she is breathing. On the lighter side, when I was brain storming all her characteristics, I asked my wife for help and she hit most of the ones on the left column. LOL
    Thanks and Have a Blessed day

    • Well, at least the eulogy is a living one! I’m glad my list helped you come up with some positive things to say. Best of luck with it! Thanks, Randy.

  • Nanny

    How would you suggest tweaking two years as a nanny on a resume for the business world?

    • Well, this list is intended to be a joke. I would never recommend falsifying anything on a real resume. If you’re transitioning from one field to another, you might try being honest about your job switch and explaining what about being a nanny will help you in your new field. But I’m no resume expert by any means, so if you’re worried about it, you might try to find help at a company that offers those types of services. Good luck!